*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
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what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
sorry I’m late, my dog was sleeping in the shape of a donut and I had to take 175 photos
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Wrapping gifts on the floor after 50: 1% holiday spirit, 99% figuring out how to stand up without calling for help.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
if i dont respond to your reply to my tweet it is for one of two reasons:
1. the conversation is over, there is nothing left to say
2. you stumped me. i cant think of a witty response. you won.
but i will NEVER be disclosing which is which
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me