Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.

Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on

Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”

Mine should be here in a few days.

i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.

The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.

Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching you

Dogs

Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.

Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same

Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird

Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start

I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad

Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.

This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…

CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight

It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.

Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat

I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?

Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.

I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.

“Is white wine all you have?”

No, I can do any

Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.

i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible

son: she literally knows nothing

me: not literally, figuratively. If it were literally she wouldn’t be able to function

son: you are literally the most annoying dad in the world

me: now you’re getting the hang of it

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.

My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.

At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.

My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.

ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon

Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock

Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.