Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!

ME: my stomach hurts

STOMACH: you ate too much

ME: maybe I need something to settle it down

STOMACH: no

ME: but what?

STOMACH: nothing

ME: maybe something carbonated

STOMACH: pepto bismol

ME: yes a beer

So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.

“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early

I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed

My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways

garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move

None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.

Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist

Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”

M: Did NOT see that coming

Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine

My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.

“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.

I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.

It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.

I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry

the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week

wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat

“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”

Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.

If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down

It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children

Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band

Her: N*SYNC?

Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator

I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie

No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.

If she’s interested in you she will reply

If she isn’t, she won’t

Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends

If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.

Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.