Only short people can save us
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Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Me: Did you bring a poop bag in case the dog poops?
Bf: I brought 2 bags!
Me: Oh, good. I can take a poop then too.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.