Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
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“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL