Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
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Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
my best friend is a doula and while attending a birth last night, her husband used their shared spotify account at home…which meant that “cotton eyed joe” began blasting right as the mom began to push 💀💀💀
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
PLOT TWIST:
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?