only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
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If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance