Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography

Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.

Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!

Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.

None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.

Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?

My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.

in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times

pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”

“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff

> what do you want to be when you grow up?

[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!

*fast forward 28 years*

> So you’re still fixing printers then?

Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside

Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*

Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?

Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.

Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.

[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]

Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.

Girl- You mean a condom?

Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.

Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations

B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhrist

A.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight

Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.

Her: Why don’t you get married?

Me: I’ve never been that hungry.

Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄

To be continued…

4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute

40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.

what the hell pray for carter everyone

me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”

My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”

I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.

[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”

wtf

An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.

Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.

Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.

But… why can’t I use my teeth?

The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.

imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you