Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.

Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.

Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.

I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.

Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.

“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.

Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?

Her: [Completely ignores me]

Me: Knew it!

this will hang in the louvre one day

Unless:

-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet

If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.

the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do

“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung

Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.

My wife must be the slowest reader ever.

I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.

Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?

[googles “camaflage spiders”]

-no results-

phew.

wait…

[googles “camouflage spiders”]

-11,345,453 results-

motherf

producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.

The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.

[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?

My life in a nutshell

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

B: What? You aren’t doing anything

M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?

The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up

GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.

ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.

Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks

Women: When
are you leaving?

Men: In the morning.

W: Yeah but what time.

M: Morningtime.

i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.

Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)

I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.

So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…

Did Mary have a little lamb?

(Invention of the necktie)

I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.

I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US