Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

good morning

Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous

Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.

Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”

Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”

The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.

ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses

i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself

I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.

Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost

All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…

My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions

JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-

ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor

LAWYERS: …….

JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you

Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!

Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy

-commercial break-

Husband: *silent*

-fight scene-

Husband: *completely and utterly silent*

-quiet dialogue scene-

Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets

My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)

Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.

“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load

[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™

CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.

M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever

My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.

Hope he finds a ride home.

My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.

Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.

[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.

If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ

If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.

*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*

Someone stole my car.

Coworker: Cute dress!

Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown

Coworker: [avoids me]