Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
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No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
How does one answer this?
Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Previously On Persistence 😎
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex