Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is

I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.

“Hey honey”

*drags a cigarette*

“have you ever”

*drinks some scotch*

“slept with a guy”

*sucks a lollipop*

“with three arms?”

Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?

Penguins walking in 5x speed

I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.

Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.

After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.

All that money and nothing to chauffer it.

The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.

[On a date]

Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth

Him: that’s so sweet

Me: no I mean right now

I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?

My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave

Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?

OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway

Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.

[writing my will]

me: what is cremation

lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash

me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu

Me (a masseur): *applying oil*

Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?

Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola

Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough

I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.

Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it

How long do you have to wait between naps?

My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.

*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”

me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby

him: mom I’m 35 years old

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?

Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.

Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.

“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing