Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
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I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Quickie so fast, it’s called secs.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
*ernest hemingway voice*
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
I bought you some jumper cables since you like to start shit