Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
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candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Me: Makes a Reddit post about my efforts to avoid arguing about politics with my parents over Thanksgiving.
Reddit users: Yeah, but you probably want to argue politics with strangers, right? Because I’m angry about the following things…
Nope, no thank you.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.