Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”

To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…

Are you okay? How does that even happen?

I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.

friend: don’t worry so much

me: omg why what will happen

I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.

Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.

Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.

10yo: I can’t find one.

Me: *finds a pencil* Here.

10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.

Me: *finds a sharpener*

10yo: I can’t find an eraser.

Me: Fine, use the pen.

10yo: I can’t find the pen.

Things I learnt from Avatar:

– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.

if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you

My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.

I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.

Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog

please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back

That’s enough internet for the day

Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to

ok I’ll buy 10 boxes

Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?

Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.

FD: Well then-

FS: Don’t.

FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.

Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.

beware of dog
(jukin media)

[skating together on a frozen pond]

Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah

Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.

[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”

jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done

That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless

Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.

there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company

Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes

When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?

banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”

[therapy]

me: I’m really trying to change

therapist: that’s great

me: I want to be become a different person

therapist: how

me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis

therapist: no