Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I chose you for your brains

Me: aww

Her: in case I ever become a zombie

If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.

mentally somewhere in italy

they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them

My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.

*wife is out of town*

Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?

*looks around and shrugs*

Screw it. This is my house.

*falls into toilet at 3AM*

“I’m gonna leave the study room for a couple hours.”
“So another patron can use it?”
“No, my stuff’s in there.”
“So you’re not using it.”
“I am using it. For my stuff.”
“The rooms are for people, not stuff.”
“My stuff is an extension of me.”
“I should have gone to law school.”

Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”

I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.

[Invention of the airplane]

Wilbur: We’re ready

Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working

Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?

Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go

34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time

LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name

ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack

I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.

ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood

If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.

If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.

“That’s so cool,” she lied.

The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.

May he RIP in peace.

Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.

[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]

Me: Wow, you used to be hot

Wife: *death glare*

Me: …but not as hot as you are now

I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.

I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.

Me: sobbing in the shower

Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet

You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.

And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.

FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.

The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.

You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you

My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.