only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957
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My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Anarchy
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.