Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
You Might Also Like
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar