Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.

I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.

Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.

Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.

Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!

Mom: *sends food emojis*

Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?

…and send

He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me

Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.

@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”

As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.

Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”

…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.

I bought my friends an elephant for their room.

They said: Thank you.

I said: Please don’t mention it.

My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.

Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?

Me: I own a house.

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

Me:

My cat: wow you sure nap a lot

[date]

me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*

her: nice weather

me: thanks

Him:When do you get off?

Me: Usually once you go to sleep

Him:

Me:

Him:

Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.

“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.

“soooo little update I’m kinda seeing someone..” — me to my psychiatrist about the tall shadowy figure in a bowler hat in the corner of my room

I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college

Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is

Good advice.

Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.

I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.

i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.

[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”

My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.

“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.

I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.

Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship