Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
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Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.
My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”
I finally found a reason to live again.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”