Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either

Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever

I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”

If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.

Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.

FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss

ME: damn right

[later]

ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim

I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.

Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.

Anything is free if you can outrun security.

The more you know.

Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why

I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?

“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”

“What?”

“It’s a long story.”

to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.

I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.

[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.

whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong

If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.

Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret

#titanic

For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you

i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking

Me: Mow the lawn.

Son: I don’t want to.

Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.

Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume

I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.

Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull

Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.

*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*

My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.

Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.