Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
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God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶