Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
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son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake