Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.

I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.

“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”

Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?

Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.

7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.

M: Join the club.

Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be

Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]

I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween

I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.

Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.

GOD: I gave you my son.

MAN: You mean your only son?

GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.

Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.

I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.

sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild

“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what

Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night

Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”

Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.

Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:

Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.

Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.

Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.

“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.

“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.

I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.

ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts

You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day

UPS GUY: Just sign for the package

I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.

Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?

My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.

*in an interview*

Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.

Applicant: 5-7PM po.

Me:

Applicant: 8PM.

Me:

I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.

– the parent who taught them to talk like that

Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers