Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]

Me: are you breaking up with me?!

Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?

Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me

Demon: why are you this way

I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.

them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait

him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot

Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*

“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.

The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.

No surprise that a third place is with relationships.

DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?

Me: no I just look like that

Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?

Quickie so fast, it’s called secs.

NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while

How we’re different…

You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.

I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.

Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.

well this is just bullshirt

ME: *holding door wide open for her*

HER: Are you saying I’m fat?

Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.

Me on a diet: being fat is fine.

Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact

“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%

“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%

Monsters, Inc. 3:

It’s harder to make kids laugh

The Internet has made them jaded

The monster need help

They teach the kids to smoke pot

I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.

I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it

Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊

A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.

Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?

[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]

little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶

I get Bi with a little help from my friends.

*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*

Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS

Wth?

*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer

DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman

My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.

A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.