Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.

Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.

Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.

I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad

My fortune cookie message read :

“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….

Uh huh ….

Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.

I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”

Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for

Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard

How to paint a live flamingo:

1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it

therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear

me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet

Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.

Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.

Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked

*After roommate performs a summoning spell*

Me:

Roommate:

Me:

Roommate:

Me:

Roommate:

Me: So does he just live here now?

Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites

“Do you have any children?”

Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”

Me: Can I take a peak?

Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?

Me: *steals the top of a mountain*

I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.

Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?

Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.

Customer: …

I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.

So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.

Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall

4-year-old trying pop rocks:

I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth

1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.

-mental notes I take watching crime tv.

[before sex]

ME: Did you notice I waxed?

WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows

As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.

Monday?
No. Next question.

Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”

Dragons: what does it do?

Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.

Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?

There are hundreds.

WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS

Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die

No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.