Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
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Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
I made a risotto 4 years ago and the kids refused to touch it. In a rare moment of genius I said its not a risotto it’s “cheesy rice stew” which they liked the sound of and devoured it. Still make it to this day and I can’t wait until the day they figure out they’ve been duped.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately