only writing recipes in wordart from now on
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My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
I’m seeing someone new, and we’re at the stage where it’s all sunshine and lollipops and he hasn’t seen me eat a quesadilla like a hungry dinosaur at 2am.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.