only writing recipes in wordart from now on
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4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
#Caturday
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us