only writing recipes in wordart from now on
You Might Also Like
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Florida be like…
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Classic German Shepherd 😂
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.