only writing recipes in wordart from now on
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A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
I am having an out of money experience.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?