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My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
R.I.P.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”
I pointed to my daughter.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
the three branches of government
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now