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“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
OMG 🤣🤣
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.