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[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done