Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my gf opening a package: i need something sharp

me: okay 🙂

her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u

me: okay 🙁

I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes

If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”

*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*

me: where did you put my gravy boat?

son: on the table, next to the lettuce

me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?

son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes

“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”

Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!

“I go by Barold now”

*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER

Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.

Bear attack by generation:

Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot

Gen x – climb tree build fort

Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it

Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta

When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo

Watson was Holmes schooled

Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion

I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.

I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.

Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”

Seas the day!!!!

Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”

Potatoes:

11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.

He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.

Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems

*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*

I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.

The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.

Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?

Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second

The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!

Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?

Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.

H:

Me:

H: I think it’s time to take a break…

Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.

H: …from twitter

He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.

She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.

Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil

When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…

One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020

mechanics be like