“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
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Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
son: *counts to ten*
wife: good job
me: (smugly) eleven
“Wow, Awesome costume.”
“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”
“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.