Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.

Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.

I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!

Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.

I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.

I’d hang this in my house.

*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*

I can’t tell if this character in the movie I’m watching is a villain or just German.

Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.

I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective

I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit

my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that

Son: daddy why is the sky blue?

Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled

I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.

I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.

Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark

When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK

Tech support: What seems to be the problem?

Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!

TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.

Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.

What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?

Bernadette.

Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.

Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.

Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.

Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.

Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.

APOLOGISE NOW!!!

Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*

If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.

There are two types of people in this world:

1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once

2)Liars

bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong

I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.