Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.

Moderator: your word is “impatient”

Sloth: can you use it

Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

Sloth: in a

Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

Sloth: oh great thank you

Moderator: what the

me: we should have a housewarming party

dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now

a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet

If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.

My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.

I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you

Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah

Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful

3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:

The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.

Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that

DOG 911: what’s ur emer-

DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME

DOG 911: can you bite it?

DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.

my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant

5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.

uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied

[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.

doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day

also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week

If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.

I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.

I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.

– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?

– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.

I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list

Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.

[Element Support Group]

Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming

I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.

My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.

If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.