Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way

Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door

No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch

Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.

Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25

TOTAL: $76.42

What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!

When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*

85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon

9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.

Eating for two.

I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.

the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos

as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password

Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.

Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.

“Man, what’s eating you today?

*looks down*

I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!

Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?

Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head

how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾‍♂️

How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?

M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon

Waiter:

H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.

I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75

I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.

Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.

son: how did I get my name

me: *holds up baby name book*

son: ugh terrible

me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526

My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.

been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.

‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”