Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven

Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.

Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick

One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁

I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.

I’m always ready for bed.

Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.

We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”

Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”

“I lost my Khakis”

– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.

I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now

Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.

Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.

Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”

How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?

I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf

on da cob, we all corn

Sesame Street: this is an educational show

Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that

Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one

If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.

We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly

Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.

“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.

So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….

Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market

– my wife: I’m not doing that

You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.

“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years

Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments