Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so glad that I made the right financial decision in 2018 and ditched my $89/mo cable package so that I can now pay $83/mo for YouTube TV, $23/mo for Netflix, $16/mo for Disney+, $13/mo for Paramount, $15/mo for Prime, $10/mo for AppleTV, and $21/mo for HBO

Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.

I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat

Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them

Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them

me: how can Americans be so arrogant?

also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*

I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”

Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?

[my funeral]

college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.

Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.

In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?

Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.

My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.

there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me

stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues

Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.

Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.

Not allowed near mannequins anymore

I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.

For the ones in the back.

every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.

Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.

Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.

Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.

[Farmer’s market]

Me: One of your finest farmers plz

Farmer: That’s not how this works

Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own

I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?

The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.

Teaching my kid math like:

If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?

“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.

Them: Can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *bursts into flames*