Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should

Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.

Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation

Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.

Auto correct is my worst enema.

Saw Babygirl today and 40 minutes into the movie the old white guy sitting next to me turned to his wife and said, “this is not a Christmas movie,” and they got up and left. That’s the power of cinema, baby.

Doctor: how do you stay active?

Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min

Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear

[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Very slight chuckle*

*Scrolling*

Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.

Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies

Gas stations be like:

Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.

I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there

I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”

Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.

I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?

I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.

I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.

Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that

My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.

Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun

NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat

Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.

I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders

*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..

* whole family gasps while gazing intently*

Me: …so many…DM Rooms

[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL