“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
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Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Nobody:
God: Make half of them allergic to spring
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
I think I’ll stand
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Breaking news:
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so