“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”
*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*
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My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
What goes “ooooooooo”?
A cow with no lips.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Always go for the Lonewolf, unless they are insane, then go for someone else.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.