“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”
*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*
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“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
.
.
.
.
.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.