Ooh I do like a good funnel
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[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you
since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.