Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one ever hated their job on a Friday!

Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”

Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.

The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.

Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.

Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old

Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”

Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”

Him: “Wait, wh-?”

My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”

Me: “I know, right?”

“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.

I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.

I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?

Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising

*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac

The most embarrassing thing happened to me yesterday and I just need to tell this story because it’s making me laugh every time I remember it. So I was taking the metro yesterday, and first I want to clarify that I was born and raised in DC and have been taking the metro my entire life. I am NOT new to the metro. So yesterday I swiped my SmarTrip and it said the trip started but the turnstile gates didn’t open. So I went to the booth guy and told him and he was like “oh, ok I’ll just let you in through the emergency gate” and I was a little confused because I didn’t see any gate, there were only turnstiles and a metal fence with no gate. I was like “where?” and he pointed to the fence so I went over and like, it was clearly just a fence? But he keep gesturing me to pull on it! So I did, and of course it didn’t budge because it was a METAL FENCE built into the floor. And I’m pulling and pulling on what any human see is a fence when a guy walks by and CLEARLY thinks I’m just the dumbest person on earth and have no idea how to enter the metro and very kindly is like “you need to swipe your card and go through the turnstile” and walked way like I was brand new to EARTH. And then the booth guy came out and was like, “oh sorry, you’re right that’s just a fence, I thought it was a gate” and scanned me through the turnstile.

Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.

13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me

Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One

The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go

Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.

My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her

My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man

I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now

When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.

Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.

I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.

[petting zoo]

ME: *still petting the penguin*

DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.

Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?

I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.

cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula

i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year

You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.

BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward