Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
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“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
To the person trying to hack my account, I’ve just been sent this verification code: 928377.
Hope that helps.
My biological clock is wheezing.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants
I just want to be as happy as these people singing about diabetes medication
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.