Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
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Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
My dad is describing in great detail how he would kill the grinch while My mom is cooking breakfast for sixteen people.
The chart results are in…
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Me- thinks maybe I’ll take 8 to her first Pearl Jam show
8- thinks the audience is clapping too loud during The Nutcracker
WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
You can’t outrun your problems…
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
I was an ugly baby.
It’s been downhill since then.
Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms