Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
You Might Also Like
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Doug is just Canadian for dog
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the