Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
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7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Only a mother’s love …
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.