Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.

Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!

“Go ahead, caller….”

“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”

Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails

My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.

righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.

– factory defect men’s underwear

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.

People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.

I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.

I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.

The Person Who Discovered Sharks

Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance

[Joining a gang]

me: so who do I stab for initiation?

members: again, this is a book club

I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.

“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems

Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*

I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.

Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds

Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds

*Starts new job*

Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂

I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.

Me: Is your friend coming or what?

16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.

Me: Why don’t you call him?

Son: I don’t know what that is.

me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.

me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man

doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…

I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others

Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad

Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.

Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.

What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?