Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
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Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Funny that the wise men brought probably the 3 worst presents for a newborn baby
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder