“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.
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I forgot how to panic. Help
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?