Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
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There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
do horses think humans are hats
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.