Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
You Might Also Like
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
family: we’re having ground turkey this year
me: okay but how do you know that turkey couldn’t fly
I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Think you have only one chin? Let your kid take a picture of you from their POV and you will find you are sorely mistaken.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
