Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.

No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.

“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”

OMG, you mean this isn’t it.

And that’s how the fight started.

Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.

*uses falsetto voice*

MR. SMOOCHES!!

Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.

What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.

grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—

me: it’s not controversial

grampa: don’t start

me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men

grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—

me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—

grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!

Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.

Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.

Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.

I’ve updated my will…

“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”

At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said ‘amazing news’. She told me baby was three months old and I’d just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.

Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.

M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!

H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.

M: I BROKE A NAIL!

If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently

Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse

When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.

Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.

Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’

why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits

Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.

Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.

I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.

My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.

I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.

I think I found my spirit animal.

9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.

Me: [mutes TV] what

9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.

Me: …

9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]

Me. It’s *eucalyptus*

did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past

HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*

lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw

me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.

executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?

Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.