Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter

Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.

I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks

I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”

Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?

Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee

Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd

My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.

Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha

Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha

AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:

Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.

I start training at mime school on Monday.

So if you don’t hear from me…

Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?

crazy

cashier: how’d you like to pay for this

me: not at all

i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”

guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine

Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.

Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open

Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.

I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.

I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.

Me: *pulls a glass push door*

Wife:

Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*

Wife:

Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door

Wife: *nods* weird door

My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.

I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.

Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword

Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges

Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.

I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.