Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
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I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Monday
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
podcasts
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.