Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.

I feel the need, the need for tweed.

– Professors at Top Gun

Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.

Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.

[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.

I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end

[At my funeral]

Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.

Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.

I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor

Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.

[first day as producer]

superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME

me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*

We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.

Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead

Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.

Uber Driver: Same, Girl.

Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool

Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool

Repair guy:

Me: *winks*

[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!

[1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.

In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed

What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?

I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.

WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick

ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.

murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.

By age 35 you should:

-live in a cave on a mountain

-hate everyone

-try to destroy christmas at least once

-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails

MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?

EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom

waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good

[moving her panties to the side]

HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.

Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again

Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal

Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal

Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”

ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?

BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else

“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”

*shakes tambourine*

“Got any others?”

*shakes tambourine*

“Sounds a lot like the last one”

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