Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
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*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Waking up has backfired on me so many times
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.