Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
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WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.