Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.

Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise

Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.

My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.

The big book of baby names but for safe words

[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager

[at a boat store]

Salesperson: Can i help you?

Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.

Tony Hawk: *does a 360*

Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*

This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.

Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.

Someone just threatened to call me later

My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.

My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”

The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.

Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?

Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”

[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this

Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth

I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.

Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.

Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes

Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.

Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.

me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo

I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.

He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.

You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities

Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts

Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.

It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.

I’ve decided to stop telling dad jokes for the new year, I know they are…

Much Much You You You You Handle Handle.