Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.

Emmy: That’s cool.

Oscar: Wow, interesting.

Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…

“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me

I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.

I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here

if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS

1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated

Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*

6: Mom will you play with me?

Me: Sure buddy

6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!

Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ

me: how was school?

son: i got in trouble today

me: what for?

son: kung fu fighting

me: wow I’m so disappointed

son: but everybody was doing it

Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now

just in case someone hasn’t told you today,

i’m gorgeous.

[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*

Boss: What are you doing?

Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”

Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?

ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?

CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.

Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.

my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words

Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said

“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.

You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.

HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now

ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?

Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”

When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.

Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?

Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro

Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey

The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.

I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.

I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.

[gets pulled over]

me: problem, officer?

cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me

[2hrs 36m later]

me: how was that

cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number

today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize

My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.