Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Professor X: What’s your superpower?

Me: I turn positives into negatives.

Confessor X: Oh.

HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-

ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes

Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.

There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.

***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.

Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.

microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie

*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*

*lost my marbles*

Weighs myself

A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.

Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.

Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.

Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…

Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]

…EXACTLY.

Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat

I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.

Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.

My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.

Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.

Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.

Me: Almost? Quitter.

Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.

“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”

But we’re in love!

“It is forbidden!”

*whale elopes with submarine*

The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.

My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.

Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.

idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.

Him: A nap? Really?

Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.

Him:

Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.

Him: Guess they like pizza, too.

Me: What do you have against wolves?

My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call

Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.

the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear

Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.

Me: Yes. She did that.

The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.

Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.