Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.

The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks

“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.

“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.

Me: She really needs to calm down.

Alcohol: You should tell her.

Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?

Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran

On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.

My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.

Me: Can I be frank?

Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.

Me: Get out.

I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again

PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]

My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is

Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow

25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”

Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure

You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!

*escorted from Starbucks

I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!

A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.

It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.

FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!

[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try

CSI: North Pole

Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.

Chief: Did you find hoof prints?

Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.

Dearest Emma,

The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.

Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.

War is hell.

lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-

millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in

ghost: *appearing* prepare to die

millennial: omg even better

[text]

Me: on my way over

Friend: u okay?

M: my husband used the guest towels

F: OMG! i’ll open wine

You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.

Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.

They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.

I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.

The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.

Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.