Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
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I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.