Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.

I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.

[Fitbit commercial with me]

BEFORE: lazy guy

AFTER: lazy guy who had $129

Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.

Saying “3 twins” is wild.

Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.

At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.

*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!

I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.

I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.

My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.

At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.

doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!

nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet

There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.

Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.

Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS

this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!

I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.

can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.

Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.

i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.

covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.

I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.

I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”

It was nice knowing you all.

he’ll never suspect a thing

look scared

Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?

Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case

I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.

customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?

me: [looks over at dog] that is correct