oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
You Might Also Like
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
#Caturday
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.