oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
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I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Help
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.