Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.
– Me, terrible with first impressions
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Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.